im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
