what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
