how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
