i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
