3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
