I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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