I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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