he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
