Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
