His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
