I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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