Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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