i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
