I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
