pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We had sex on a dog bed..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
