actually, I'm a sock model
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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