i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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