I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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