We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She's the barista slut.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
