This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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