Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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