I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
