My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
