I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
