The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
