if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I haven't been this sober since birth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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