I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
