I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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