He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
