If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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