You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Two words: nipple clamps
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