My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
