Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
