If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
