I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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