well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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