as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
