Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
