Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
