my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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