M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
home. puking in laundry basket.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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