I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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