I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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