She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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