Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
