You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
