also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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