Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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