i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
