The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
