i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
