Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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