he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
